What is going on with me?

The last few weeks have been weird.  I was doing really well, making little improvements, and then lately it’s all just fallen apart!  I know things have been stressful for our family, and I’m sure that I’m trying to cope with that, but seeing how I kind of go nuts with food is disappointing.  I feel as if I’m using food to distance myself from my life, whether it be crying kids, pressure to get things done, loneliness or whatever.  It’s been strange to see this happen.  I distinctly remember stressful times in my adult life that I’ve binged a lot–mostly when Jessie was gone for months at a time in the army, or when I’d start to slump into depression.  But I’ve been doing it lately, and I can’t really put my finger on what’s up.  I think the long winter has been tough, I’ve felt pressure lately in a lot of areas, and Jessie’s been SO busy (and as a full-time mommy, hubby’s long hours equal long hours for me, too).  But I still feel like that doesn’t really justify all of this.  In the last few days I don’t even know how many times I’ve just been sick because I’ve eaten so much.  Why?!!  And when I do overeat, I feel like my rational self is just hovering out of reach, like I can almost watch myself turn into this “Cookie Monster”, if you will.   I need to figure this out more: identify what is going on in my head that’s making me feel panicky enough to overeat.  Sorry this isn’t very inspirational, but I needed to write.  Writing helps me see what’s happening.  If I keep all of this in my head, I’ll likely let it swirl into a guilt soup.  Don’t need that!  I want this to be an observational avenue, rather than a hurtful one.

Any ideas, anyone?

A “full” evening

I’ve gone through periods in my life that I would totally binge. No surprise there– I’m overweight! Saturday I was really hungry, so I had some muffins. I don’t remember how many–they just tasted good. But then I wanted some “real” food, and other people were eating, so I joined in. I had some nachos with tomatoes, and they tasted good, so I kept eating. At one point I noticed that I was eating kind of fast and I was probably fuller than I thought, but I didn’t really pay attention. Finally I quit and just felt gross. Now the interesting thing is that I haven’t felt this in quite a while. I know I’m still consuming a lot of calories but I haven’t really binged in a long time! Yea! I just couldn’t believe how yucky I felt, and how long it lasted. I wasn’t even tempted with chocolate or anything. I’m actually glad to have had the experience. It reminded me that I am making improvements. It was good to realize that I don’t like the way it feels to stuff myself to the brim.

Befriending hunger

Sometimes I can’t believe that my life has been so cushioned that I’ve never experienced real hunger. Sure, I’ve fasted sometimes, been sick, but I’ve always had access to food. What a blessed life! It’s only natural to have an instinctive fear of being hungry–we are dependent on nourishment, but I have twenty-nine years experience of abundance. A little hunger isn’t going to kill me! Since becoming a stay-at-home mom my food is even more accessible. My fridge is practically within arm’s reach 24/7.  I’m just now realizing how much I like being truly hungry before a meal. It helps that I’ve been trying to eat exactly what I want. Grabbing some dry cookies because they’re sitting there is so much less appealing than waiting a bit for some warm lasagna that I’m going to really enjoy. I’m actually starting to enjoy the sensation of hunger rather than fear it.  It’s great to look forward to a meal!

Opt out

I have been on the Guilt mailing list for as long as I can remember. It’s been my handbag, my pet, my sidekick and my favorite bad habit. Sad, I know, but it’s become so automatic that it’s hard to change.

Last night as I was brushing my teeth I was going over my day. I’ve just recently started a new “schedule” for my week. Structure is important, but as a full-time mommy I don’t get a lot of it. Anyway, yesterday I got all the most important tasks done that I needed to. I exercised, read my scriptures, read to my toddler, cooked for my family, helped the big kids with homework, held my fussy baby, got the dishes done, and even got some business items taken care of. As I brushed my teeth and looked at myself in the mirror I found that I was looking for something to feel guilty about!!! What?! Most days I don’t get all of those things done, especially the exercising and reading scriptures, so I usually have those “guilt items” waiting for me at the end of the day. It was a strange thing to look over my day and not have something too big to feel bad about (I could have found something if I had tried, though! ). As I realized that I was searching for some guilt I stopped myself and just gave me a mental pat on the back. Not necessarily for all that I did, but because I recognized how hard I am on myself!

So one of the things I’m doing with my new schedule is giving myself smiley faces for each thing I get done on the list. That may seem silly, but it’s more helpful to see all those happy faces than to see a bunch of stuff crossed out. I already feel like so much of what I do is fleeting– dishes get dirty, food gets eaten, kids get frustrated, house gets messy. It’s nice to have something to show for what I did accomplish, even if it is just a smiley face.

Treat, redefined

It’s been a hard day, a challenging week, and a very difficult month. As I sat down to watch TV tonight, I thought of what food in the house I could have…”Hmm… the cookies are gone… no ice cream… it’s been a hard day! What treats are there? Maybe I could make something. Buttery cinnamon toast?” I decided that first on the list was a phone call to thank my sister for a package she sent. We had a nice chat, then I finally got to take a shower after a long day of holding and caring for sick kids. Ah. “OK. A treat… Hey!  Sherene sent me that berry smoothie and it’s probably cold!” Wow.  What a nice evening.  If I had started with some cinnamon toast or chocolate-foraging, I probably would have missed out on a nice chat, a satisfying shower and a delicious fruity drink.  It was amazingly good.  Berries in the middle of winter.  Just what my body wanted.  Yummy!

Teeny tiny successes

I decided to snow-blow the driveway last week as a means of exercise, a gift to my hard-working husband, and to challenge myself.  It didn’t go well.  It took me a half hour to figure out how to start the big thing, so I felt stupid, and then for another hour I tried to clear our giant hill of a driveway of the four or so inches of snow that was there.  I managed to get some of it done… sort of… I scraped a couple inches off the top of the snow, slipping around in my silly boots, shooting snow the wrong direction.  I’m glad nobody had a camera on me–I imagine that it was pretty comical.  So when I finished up, I felt terrible about it!  I felt like it was an hour and a half just wasted.  My dear Jessie thanked me that night (what a great guy!) and I apologized for what a poor job I did.  He was very sweet and helped me see it differently.  It wasn’t wasted time–there were less inches to remove now, it was great exercise for me (I could feel my muscles slightly achy the next morning), and I actually did manage to clear the steps and walkway with the shovel so it didn’t get icy.  Yea me!   After changing my opinion of it, I wanted to find other small accomplishments.  I tend to see all or nothing, and with this process of health-seeking it’s hard to see improvements when the pounds aren’t falling off.  But here are some things that I’ve done well on lately:

-I love salad now!  I eat it several times a week, and vegetables don’t rot in my fridge anymore.

-I walked right past a cookie that was sitting on the counter screaming at me.  I usually would have just had it because it was there, but I didn’t want it.

-I’ve been seriously enjoying the foods I eat.

-I don’t settle for things I don’t love nearly as often.

-I just picked up some weights and lifted the other day.  I danced (kind of ) to some music on a movie I was watching.

-I’m observing myself and journaling about this process.

-I’m being kinder and more respectful to myself.

These are all so little, but they’re not nothing.  I have to remind myself of that.  I’m happy that I’m making changes, small as they may be.

Musical nourishment

I’m passionate about singing. Being in a good choir or practicing with a good pianist gives me a spring in my step, joy in my heart, and fills my soul. I had the chance yesterday to sing in church with two wonderful ladies, and it was absolutely satisfying. We sang John Rutter’s “A Gaelic Blessing” in SSA.

Sometimes I think that I’m lazy in general, and that seems awful to me, but when I do things that I love, I work hard. Music is one of those. I pour myself into singing, and I’m determined to make it as perfect as I can. When I have something that motivates me, whether it be singing, doing my taxes (I know-odd!), making a calendar, working on a church project, having a day with friends, or drawing, I’m in much less need of food and sleep. This is only natural, I know, but sometimes I wish that I had more passion about practical things like dressing and feeding my kids, helping with homework, cleaning and organizing the house, doing laundry and dishes… These are the things that my day is spent on, so food ends up being an emotional void-filler. I do feel hopeful that as my kids get older and I have more time to pursue my true passions I will have less depression and less need for my food crutch. In the meantime, I need to find a way to fold these things that I love to do into my humdrum homemaker life. Don’t know how. I suppose I could start with listening to good music. It’s not quite as fulfilling as practicing and performing with an orchestra or a fantastic choir or a few great singers, but it’s something. I don’t listen to music much, surprisingly, for as much as I love to sing. Perhaps doing so will help me. We’ll see how it goes.

Aquaphobia

I don’t know what my problem with drinking water is. I’ve been through phases where I would drink lots of water, and I felt great. I’ve realized lately, though, that I resist drinking water all the time! It’s as if I’m a small child who doesn’t want to take her medicine; lips pursed tight, chin held up, crying all the while. I don’t really do that, but when I take my prescriptions in the morning, I swallow with just a sip of water–just enough to choke those pills down, and no more! When I’m thirsty (which isn’t often because I’m sure that I’ve shut off my thirst instinct) I will have a soda, or I’ll eat a piece of fruit, but I’ll choose almost anything to avoid a nice tall glass of water. Why, I wonder? I know the benefits of water. It reminds me of the Book of Mormon where “the labor which they had to perform was to look; and because of the simpleness of the way, or the easiness of it, there were many who perished”… How easy is it to drink water?!! And it will help me be full, feel better, lose weight, keep the satiety center in my brain appeased… Hmm.

And in case you read the last post on goals, I only earned one point out of my eight because I had a really hard time. I was doing great if I had two or three glasses a day.

Suggestions?

New Year’s Day…Bah! Humbug!

Not really. But the pressure to set goals and make resolutions has damaged me in years prior. I grew up with a very negative association with “GOALS”, and it resulted in a lot of guilt. I think I gained most of my fat through guilt.

Last year Jessie and I came up with a plan that helped us all to learn how to set reasonable goals. It was mainly for the kids, we thought, but it ended up helping me way more. Every week we each choose a goal, assign a point value, and eventually earn rewards. It’s a “carrot vs. whip” situation, and the carrot is so much more effective. So I’ve loved our baby goals on a weekly basis.

I do think there is merit to having long-term goals and accompanying plans, but I’m a little fragile for that yet. I need small successes to grow on and small failures to see that all is not lost when I make a mistake. Also, there is a season for everything. Being a mom with small children doesn’t give me the time or space to make huge changes and accomplish big things. When I see “The Biggest Loser” and things like that I get discouraged, but I remember that they were absolutely removed from real life and they had every resource to get them to the end. I don’t, and that’s OK. My progress won’t be captured with triumphant background music or professional “before” and “after” pictures.

I’m not going to make any “resolutions”, but we are having FHE tonight, which means that we’ll sit down with our white board and our snack and discuss our plans and goals for the week. Sarah will probably say, “I’m going to color a picture every day!” and we’ll give her five points, Jessie will choose to move the file cabinet in the office and we’ll decide on six points for him. I think I’ll opt to drink eight glasses of water a day, everyone will say, “ooh–that’s hard for you! Eight or nine points!” and then several minutes later Russell will finally come up with “No Game Boy all week”. Hmm. Seven points? Yeah, seven.

Dusty

Just after we were married, Jessie and I were driving around one Saturday, not really sure what to do or where to go. Neither of us was in a super mood, and we just felt off. Somehow we decided on the word “dusty”. Gray, bored, tired, restless, irritable…. We realized that not exercising that day probably caused the dust to accumulate.

Today was a dusty day for me, so I decided to exercise for a bit. It was good! Back when I had to exercise almost every day as part of my job (army) I became so attuned to how my body felt when I exercised or didn’t. I’ve lost that over these years of mommyhood. I recognize that I don’t feel good most of the time, but I don’t really know what it feels like to feel good. It’s something I want to recapture. I have a dim memory of strong muscles and confidence. I want to get back there. I’m desperate enough with my health and body to not even care if I actually lose weight–I just want to feel good! (Please don’t take that as a sad comment. Half of the reason I’m where I am is that I’ve worried about the numbers so much.)

Anyway, I’m really happy that I exercised today! I’m still feeling good and motivated, so I think I’m going to do my “dessert exercise” now. Weights! I’m looking forward to feeling my muscles tomorrow.