When people make excuses it grates on my ears. It’s whiny and irritating. Perhaps it is so bothersome because I, too, am an excuse-maker. Ugh. Or am I? Sometimes I feel like there are legitimate reasons that I eat the way I do, why my metabolism is slow, why I have trouble exercising. I do not want to be a whiner! But… I find myself saying that a lot. But.
I suppose the problem lies in that I worry about what others think. I don’t want some old friend to see me, go home to their family and say, “My, my! What happened to Emily? She really let herself go!” I want them to know that lots of the events leading to these pounds were out of my control. I want to justify myself. Ah, well. If only I could wear banners with arrows pointing to my fattest spots and explanations for where it all came from. 
This is a big, confusing area for me. I don’t want to be an excuse-maker, I’m afraid of being one. I also don’t want to be brutal to myself. A demanding and demeaning voice is the opposite of being helpful or motivational. Hmm. I guess what I really need to focus on is that voice in my head. If I can be compassionate to myself, not condemn, be objective, perhaps I won’t need to quibble over whether I’m making an excuse or not. There are many things I can do to improve my health and my body, but some I can’t control. I don’t need to yell at myself like some drill sergeant to find motivation. Even now, though, I find my anxiety building with the word “EXCUSE”. The connotation is that of laziness, dishonesty–exactly what I fear. I think, “if I’m not sure whether these are excuses, they must be, and that’s bad and ugly!”
I had originally planned to map out all of my reasons and excuses here, I think, to justify myself. I won’t, though.
This post is probably disjointed and messy. That’s where I am in my head with this. Any thoughts you all share will be welcome.
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November 8, 2007 at 5:40 pm
Shirley
I agree it is a confusing area and a sensitive area and one of my greatest areas of weakness is in what comes out of my “mouth” more than what goes in. So I hope it will be okay what I say. Recently I felt like I made progress in not thinking of what other people would think of me when I do this or that–or even more when I say this or that or don’t say anything.
Somehow, the idea of not judging others came in through the back door for me. Well, let’s see if I can make sense out of that. Instead of working on it from the point of view of I should not judge others, it occurred to me that there are no doubt many people who are already not judging others and why don’t I stop worrying about being judged. I recognized my own fault in judging others–one way being that I was judging them to be judging me. I don’t know what all contributed to it, but one day I decided to have the attitude, “I’m okay, you’re okay.” Really! I think it was inspired. I didn’t think of the book of that title until after I thought of the idea. It has made a difference.
I realized that I have spent most of my life thinking I am not okay and thinking that others had thought that about me, too. Not necessarily in a big way but just a sense of not measuring up, always falling short. Of course for me, being articulate and socially savvy are big ones that I have really made into a big deal so they were magnified. I guess not everyone thinks that being able to talk well is the big prize but I sure grew up feeling like it was.
Being okay does not mean an absence of faults on either side but it just means that we can love each other and be just fine with the place that we’re at in our eternal progression.
Well, this was very spontaneous and I don’t remember what else I was thinking of earlier to say but I can always come back if I think of more! You’re okay, Em!! I love you.