Dusty

Just after we were married, Jessie and I were driving around one Saturday, not really sure what to do or where to go. Neither of us was in a super mood, and we just felt off. Somehow we decided on the word “dusty”. Gray, bored, tired, restless, irritable…. We realized that not exercising that day probably caused the dust to accumulate.

Today was a dusty day for me, so I decided to exercise for a bit. It was good! Back when I had to exercise almost every day as part of my job (army) I became so attuned to how my body felt when I exercised or didn’t. I’ve lost that over these years of mommyhood. I recognize that I don’t feel good most of the time, but I don’t really know what it feels like to feel good. It’s something I want to recapture. I have a dim memory of strong muscles and confidence. I want to get back there. I’m desperate enough with my health and body to not even care if I actually lose weight–I just want to feel good! (Please don’t take that as a sad comment. Half of the reason I’m where I am is that I’ve worried about the numbers so much.)

Anyway, I’m really happy that I exercised today! I’m still feeling good and motivated, so I think I’m going to do my “dessert exercise” now. Weights! I’m looking forward to feeling my muscles tomorrow.

Reasons or excuses?

When people make excuses it grates on my ears. It’s whiny and irritating. Perhaps it is so bothersome because I, too, am an excuse-maker. Ugh. Or am I? Sometimes I feel like there are legitimate reasons that I eat the way I do, why my metabolism is slow, why I have trouble exercising. I do not want to be a whiner! But… I find myself saying that a lot. But.

I suppose the problem lies in that I worry about what others think. I don’t want some old friend to see me, go home to their family and say, “My, my! What happened to Emily? She really let herself go!” I want them to know that lots of the events leading to these pounds were out of my control. I want to justify myself. Ah, well. If only I could wear banners with arrows pointing to my fattest spots and explanations for where it all came from.

This is a big, confusing area for me. I don’t want to be an excuse-maker, I’m afraid of being one. I also don’t want to be brutal to myself. A demanding and demeaning voice is the opposite of being helpful or motivational. Hmm. I guess what I really need to focus on is that voice in my head. If I can be compassionate to myself, not condemn, be objective, perhaps I won’t need to quibble over whether I’m making an excuse or not. There are many things I can do to improve my health and my body, but some I can’t control. I don’t need to yell at myself like some drill sergeant to find motivation. Even now, though, I find my anxiety building with the word “EXCUSE”. The connotation is that of laziness, dishonesty–exactly what I fear. I think, “if I’m not sure whether these are excuses, they must be, and that’s bad and ugly!”

I had originally planned to map out all of my reasons and excuses here, I think, to justify myself. I won’t, though.

This post is probably disjointed and messy. That’s where I am in my head with this. Any thoughts you all share will be welcome.

Meaghan’s lesson

So I went to the store to get some clothes the other day. I slunk around in the WOMEN’S PLUS SIZES!!! section, feeling embarrassed the whole time. I didn’t make eye contact with anyone, and if my hips bumped into a rack of clothes I could just feel my face burning. I kept thinking, “Oh I hope nobody sees me here!” as if somebody would be shocked that this big lady had to buy clothes! And in the PLUS size area!!! As I picked out a few items that I really needed I was reminded of another shopping experience a few years ago, when I was at my biggest.

I went with my friend Meaghan, who is barely five feet tall and just tiny, tiny, tiny. I’m sure she was half my size at the time, if not less. She’s so small that she sometimes had to buy clothes in the children’s section of the store. When we decided to go together, she suggested a shopping center that had a “women’s” size store (“women’s” usually means “plus-sized” and “ladies’” is regular 2-16). I was surprised that she would bring up the subject of my size, but I appreciated her thinking of me. As we shopped together, I was embarrassed and miserable as always, since the focus is on the body. But Meaghan was helpful and completely non-judgmental. She asked me my size so that she could help me pick things out, she told me which colors looked best on me, and she was just great! I couldn’t believe that she was so OK with me as I was. I thought she’d be embarrassed to be with me. I felt grateful, and I actually almost enjoyed the experience.

So as I reminded myself of that the other day, I was able to calm down a bit and not throw random clothes into my cart. I figure, hey, I’ve got to be dressed! And I deserve to be comfortable in what I wear, regardless of my size. Just as an exceptionally petite Meaghan deserves to be.