What is going on with me?

The last few weeks have been weird.  I was doing really well, making little improvements, and then lately it’s all just fallen apart!  I know things have been stressful for our family, and I’m sure that I’m trying to cope with that, but seeing how I kind of go nuts with food is disappointing.  I feel as if I’m using food to distance myself from my life, whether it be crying kids, pressure to get things done, loneliness or whatever.  It’s been strange to see this happen.  I distinctly remember stressful times in my adult life that I’ve binged a lot–mostly when Jessie was gone for months at a time in the army, or when I’d start to slump into depression.  But I’ve been doing it lately, and I can’t really put my finger on what’s up.  I think the long winter has been tough, I’ve felt pressure lately in a lot of areas, and Jessie’s been SO busy (and as a full-time mommy, hubby’s long hours equal long hours for me, too).  But I still feel like that doesn’t really justify all of this.  In the last few days I don’t even know how many times I’ve just been sick because I’ve eaten so much.  Why?!!  And when I do overeat, I feel like my rational self is just hovering out of reach, like I can almost watch myself turn into this “Cookie Monster”, if you will.   I need to figure this out more: identify what is going on in my head that’s making me feel panicky enough to overeat.  Sorry this isn’t very inspirational, but I needed to write.  Writing helps me see what’s happening.  If I keep all of this in my head, I’ll likely let it swirl into a guilt soup.  Don’t need that!  I want this to be an observational avenue, rather than a hurtful one.

Any ideas, anyone?

Opt out

I have been on the Guilt mailing list for as long as I can remember. It’s been my handbag, my pet, my sidekick and my favorite bad habit. Sad, I know, but it’s become so automatic that it’s hard to change.

Last night as I was brushing my teeth I was going over my day. I’ve just recently started a new “schedule” for my week. Structure is important, but as a full-time mommy I don’t get a lot of it. Anyway, yesterday I got all the most important tasks done that I needed to. I exercised, read my scriptures, read to my toddler, cooked for my family, helped the big kids with homework, held my fussy baby, got the dishes done, and even got some business items taken care of. As I brushed my teeth and looked at myself in the mirror I found that I was looking for something to feel guilty about!!! What?! Most days I don’t get all of those things done, especially the exercising and reading scriptures, so I usually have those “guilt items” waiting for me at the end of the day. It was a strange thing to look over my day and not have something too big to feel bad about (I could have found something if I had tried, though! ). As I realized that I was searching for some guilt I stopped myself and just gave me a mental pat on the back. Not necessarily for all that I did, but because I recognized how hard I am on myself!

So one of the things I’m doing with my new schedule is giving myself smiley faces for each thing I get done on the list. That may seem silly, but it’s more helpful to see all those happy faces than to see a bunch of stuff crossed out. I already feel like so much of what I do is fleeting– dishes get dirty, food gets eaten, kids get frustrated, house gets messy. It’s nice to have something to show for what I did accomplish, even if it is just a smiley face.

Teeny tiny successes

I decided to snow-blow the driveway last week as a means of exercise, a gift to my hard-working husband, and to challenge myself.  It didn’t go well.  It took me a half hour to figure out how to start the big thing, so I felt stupid, and then for another hour I tried to clear our giant hill of a driveway of the four or so inches of snow that was there.  I managed to get some of it done… sort of… I scraped a couple inches off the top of the snow, slipping around in my silly boots, shooting snow the wrong direction.  I’m glad nobody had a camera on me–I imagine that it was pretty comical.  So when I finished up, I felt terrible about it!  I felt like it was an hour and a half just wasted.  My dear Jessie thanked me that night (what a great guy!) and I apologized for what a poor job I did.  He was very sweet and helped me see it differently.  It wasn’t wasted time–there were less inches to remove now, it was great exercise for me (I could feel my muscles slightly achy the next morning), and I actually did manage to clear the steps and walkway with the shovel so it didn’t get icy.  Yea me!   After changing my opinion of it, I wanted to find other small accomplishments.  I tend to see all or nothing, and with this process of health-seeking it’s hard to see improvements when the pounds aren’t falling off.  But here are some things that I’ve done well on lately:

-I love salad now!  I eat it several times a week, and vegetables don’t rot in my fridge anymore.

-I walked right past a cookie that was sitting on the counter screaming at me.  I usually would have just had it because it was there, but I didn’t want it.

-I’ve been seriously enjoying the foods I eat.

-I don’t settle for things I don’t love nearly as often.

-I just picked up some weights and lifted the other day.  I danced (kind of ) to some music on a movie I was watching.

-I’m observing myself and journaling about this process.

-I’m being kinder and more respectful to myself.

These are all so little, but they’re not nothing.  I have to remind myself of that.  I’m happy that I’m making changes, small as they may be.

Musical nourishment

I’m passionate about singing. Being in a good choir or practicing with a good pianist gives me a spring in my step, joy in my heart, and fills my soul. I had the chance yesterday to sing in church with two wonderful ladies, and it was absolutely satisfying. We sang John Rutter’s “A Gaelic Blessing” in SSA.

Sometimes I think that I’m lazy in general, and that seems awful to me, but when I do things that I love, I work hard. Music is one of those. I pour myself into singing, and I’m determined to make it as perfect as I can. When I have something that motivates me, whether it be singing, doing my taxes (I know-odd!), making a calendar, working on a church project, having a day with friends, or drawing, I’m in much less need of food and sleep. This is only natural, I know, but sometimes I wish that I had more passion about practical things like dressing and feeding my kids, helping with homework, cleaning and organizing the house, doing laundry and dishes… These are the things that my day is spent on, so food ends up being an emotional void-filler. I do feel hopeful that as my kids get older and I have more time to pursue my true passions I will have less depression and less need for my food crutch. In the meantime, I need to find a way to fold these things that I love to do into my humdrum homemaker life. Don’t know how. I suppose I could start with listening to good music. It’s not quite as fulfilling as practicing and performing with an orchestra or a fantastic choir or a few great singers, but it’s something. I don’t listen to music much, surprisingly, for as much as I love to sing. Perhaps doing so will help me. We’ll see how it goes.

New Year’s Day…Bah! Humbug!

Not really. But the pressure to set goals and make resolutions has damaged me in years prior. I grew up with a very negative association with “GOALS”, and it resulted in a lot of guilt. I think I gained most of my fat through guilt.

Last year Jessie and I came up with a plan that helped us all to learn how to set reasonable goals. It was mainly for the kids, we thought, but it ended up helping me way more. Every week we each choose a goal, assign a point value, and eventually earn rewards. It’s a “carrot vs. whip” situation, and the carrot is so much more effective. So I’ve loved our baby goals on a weekly basis.

I do think there is merit to having long-term goals and accompanying plans, but I’m a little fragile for that yet. I need small successes to grow on and small failures to see that all is not lost when I make a mistake. Also, there is a season for everything. Being a mom with small children doesn’t give me the time or space to make huge changes and accomplish big things. When I see “The Biggest Loser” and things like that I get discouraged, but I remember that they were absolutely removed from real life and they had every resource to get them to the end. I don’t, and that’s OK. My progress won’t be captured with triumphant background music or professional “before” and “after” pictures.

I’m not going to make any “resolutions”, but we are having FHE tonight, which means that we’ll sit down with our white board and our snack and discuss our plans and goals for the week. Sarah will probably say, “I’m going to color a picture every day!” and we’ll give her five points, Jessie will choose to move the file cabinet in the office and we’ll decide on six points for him. I think I’ll opt to drink eight glasses of water a day, everyone will say, “ooh–that’s hard for you! Eight or nine points!” and then several minutes later Russell will finally come up with “No Game Boy all week”. Hmm. Seven points? Yeah, seven.

For my two readers…and me.

I know it’s been far too long since posting, and your prodding, ladies, is what got me back here. Thanks!

I don’t know…I’ve been feeling like I have nothing to say lately. I haven’t been very intuitive in my eating or exercising, so I haven’t felt that I’ve had anything inspirational to put down. There are ups and downs in every journey, I guess. This would be a slump right now. I’m just afraid that if I don’t make progress for a while that I’ll never do better. I’ve been afraid of goals and failure for a long time, so I’ve been hiding out from my thoughts in this area, I guess. Being gentle on myself and baby steps in food and health choices just has to be it, though. I suppose that learning to be kind to myself is quite a bit of progress for me! Yeah, even though I’m seeing few results in my behaviors right now doesn’t mean that I’m not improving. Yea, me! The other day I was really craving some salad, and I made some. That was a good thing.

I know this wasn’t exactly the most inspirational, funny or well-written post, but it is good for me to get back into the habit. Thanks, Mom and Holly.

Reasons or excuses?

When people make excuses it grates on my ears. It’s whiny and irritating. Perhaps it is so bothersome because I, too, am an excuse-maker. Ugh. Or am I? Sometimes I feel like there are legitimate reasons that I eat the way I do, why my metabolism is slow, why I have trouble exercising. I do not want to be a whiner! But… I find myself saying that a lot. But.

I suppose the problem lies in that I worry about what others think. I don’t want some old friend to see me, go home to their family and say, “My, my! What happened to Emily? She really let herself go!” I want them to know that lots of the events leading to these pounds were out of my control. I want to justify myself. Ah, well. If only I could wear banners with arrows pointing to my fattest spots and explanations for where it all came from.

This is a big, confusing area for me. I don’t want to be an excuse-maker, I’m afraid of being one. I also don’t want to be brutal to myself. A demanding and demeaning voice is the opposite of being helpful or motivational. Hmm. I guess what I really need to focus on is that voice in my head. If I can be compassionate to myself, not condemn, be objective, perhaps I won’t need to quibble over whether I’m making an excuse or not. There are many things I can do to improve my health and my body, but some I can’t control. I don’t need to yell at myself like some drill sergeant to find motivation. Even now, though, I find my anxiety building with the word “EXCUSE”. The connotation is that of laziness, dishonesty–exactly what I fear. I think, “if I’m not sure whether these are excuses, they must be, and that’s bad and ugly!”

I had originally planned to map out all of my reasons and excuses here, I think, to justify myself. I won’t, though.

This post is probably disjointed and messy. That’s where I am in my head with this. Any thoughts you all share will be welcome.

Sweet rest

I used to think that sleep was a passive thing, but now I’m thinking of it more as an active engagement.  Does that make sense?  I’ve been having troubles sleeping lately (ha! just look at all the timestamps on my posts!) and I can tell a huge difference in myself when rested or not.  When I am tired, my mind is definitely altered.   My decision-making ability is compromised, I’m sad, and hopelessness swirls like a mist around me.  My muscles feel weak and I usually want to eat something, but not because I’m hungry.  Perhaps when I was younger and healthier I didn’t need as much rest, so this is a new discovery for me.  I suppose the idea of “being healthy” conjures images of raw foods and cold water and sweat- all which seem so active.  I’ve been noticing what fatigue and lack of rest do to me, and I don’t like it.  Thinking of sleep and self-care (taking a breath, smiling, laughing, enjoyment) as vitamins or something is a fun new concept, like trying on some cute new shoes.

My Food Journey

This is it! I’m coming clean to the world about my overeating, my weight and my physical and emotional health. I’ve spent the last nine years struggling with this and I’m ready to be done. I feel hopeful about this process. I’m working from two books, Intuitive Eating and Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. The second is actually a book about depression, which is a distinct factor in my weight and eating. I’ve read both of these books through and they both have a gentle quality, which counters beautifully the harsh, criticizing voice in my head . Thanks to all my friends who are helping me get started on this!!! It’s daunting to throw myself out there, especially in such a weak area–aaah! Don’t let me fall!