Opt out

I have been on the Guilt mailing list for as long as I can remember. It’s been my handbag, my pet, my sidekick and my favorite bad habit. Sad, I know, but it’s become so automatic that it’s hard to change.

Last night as I was brushing my teeth I was going over my day. I’ve just recently started a new “schedule” for my week. Structure is important, but as a full-time mommy I don’t get a lot of it. Anyway, yesterday I got all the most important tasks done that I needed to. I exercised, read my scriptures, read to my toddler, cooked for my family, helped the big kids with homework, held my fussy baby, got the dishes done, and even got some business items taken care of. As I brushed my teeth and looked at myself in the mirror I found that I was looking for something to feel guilty about!!! What?! Most days I don’t get all of those things done, especially the exercising and reading scriptures, so I usually have those “guilt items” waiting for me at the end of the day. It was a strange thing to look over my day and not have something too big to feel bad about (I could have found something if I had tried, though! ). As I realized that I was searching for some guilt I stopped myself and just gave me a mental pat on the back. Not necessarily for all that I did, but because I recognized how hard I am on myself!

So one of the things I’m doing with my new schedule is giving myself smiley faces for each thing I get done on the list. That may seem silly, but it’s more helpful to see all those happy faces than to see a bunch of stuff crossed out. I already feel like so much of what I do is fleeting– dishes get dirty, food gets eaten, kids get frustrated, house gets messy. It’s nice to have something to show for what I did accomplish, even if it is just a smiley face.

Teeny tiny successes

I decided to snow-blow the driveway last week as a means of exercise, a gift to my hard-working husband, and to challenge myself.  It didn’t go well.  It took me a half hour to figure out how to start the big thing, so I felt stupid, and then for another hour I tried to clear our giant hill of a driveway of the four or so inches of snow that was there.  I managed to get some of it done… sort of… I scraped a couple inches off the top of the snow, slipping around in my silly boots, shooting snow the wrong direction.  I’m glad nobody had a camera on me–I imagine that it was pretty comical.  So when I finished up, I felt terrible about it!  I felt like it was an hour and a half just wasted.  My dear Jessie thanked me that night (what a great guy!) and I apologized for what a poor job I did.  He was very sweet and helped me see it differently.  It wasn’t wasted time–there were less inches to remove now, it was great exercise for me (I could feel my muscles slightly achy the next morning), and I actually did manage to clear the steps and walkway with the shovel so it didn’t get icy.  Yea me!   After changing my opinion of it, I wanted to find other small accomplishments.  I tend to see all or nothing, and with this process of health-seeking it’s hard to see improvements when the pounds aren’t falling off.  But here are some things that I’ve done well on lately:

-I love salad now!  I eat it several times a week, and vegetables don’t rot in my fridge anymore.

-I walked right past a cookie that was sitting on the counter screaming at me.  I usually would have just had it because it was there, but I didn’t want it.

-I’ve been seriously enjoying the foods I eat.

-I don’t settle for things I don’t love nearly as often.

-I just picked up some weights and lifted the other day.  I danced (kind of ) to some music on a movie I was watching.

-I’m observing myself and journaling about this process.

-I’m being kinder and more respectful to myself.

These are all so little, but they’re not nothing.  I have to remind myself of that.  I’m happy that I’m making changes, small as they may be.

Dusty

Just after we were married, Jessie and I were driving around one Saturday, not really sure what to do or where to go. Neither of us was in a super mood, and we just felt off. Somehow we decided on the word “dusty”. Gray, bored, tired, restless, irritable…. We realized that not exercising that day probably caused the dust to accumulate.

Today was a dusty day for me, so I decided to exercise for a bit. It was good! Back when I had to exercise almost every day as part of my job (army) I became so attuned to how my body felt when I exercised or didn’t. I’ve lost that over these years of mommyhood. I recognize that I don’t feel good most of the time, but I don’t really know what it feels like to feel good. It’s something I want to recapture. I have a dim memory of strong muscles and confidence. I want to get back there. I’m desperate enough with my health and body to not even care if I actually lose weight–I just want to feel good! (Please don’t take that as a sad comment. Half of the reason I’m where I am is that I’ve worried about the numbers so much.)

Anyway, I’m really happy that I exercised today! I’m still feeling good and motivated, so I think I’m going to do my “dessert exercise” now. Weights! I’m looking forward to feeling my muscles tomorrow.

“Resistance is [not] futile”

I think I’ve been afraid of resistance or challenge. I want to learn to love it, especially as it applies to exercise and eating. NOT that I’m going to try to resist certain foods, but that I want to enjoy the sensations of hunger and muscle work. I’ve been watching my kids and notice that they do just what they want to with their bodies! When they’re bored, they want to move. I’ve lost that instinct. My little Maria just started crawling, and she doesn’t avoid it because it’s hard–she just keeps trying, even with her tired little muscles! I know that athletes and many people out there really like a challenge, find it motivating. I’ve not been that way, and even thinking about it scares me, but I want to get there. I’ve hated the words “work”, “challenge”, “goal”, etc. my whole life, because I associate them with guilt, failure, and punishment. I want to like those things! I want to get excited about exercise instead of thinking of it as another chore. I want to think of healthy foods as nourishing and happy rather than a necessary evil.

I haven’t committed to a regular exercise plan yet, and I’m OK with that for now. I do want to exercise, but not because I should. Yuck! No, because I like it! When I was in great shape in the army, I began to love the feeling I got doing push-ups. I do enjoy lifting weights, but I usually don’t do it because I have this silly notion that if I’m not doing regular aerobic exercise, the muscle-building doesn’t count. I guess I think of resistance training as dessert in the exercise world. What do you think, folks? Should I just do my “dessert exercise” anyway?

Ahhh…alignment…through exercise?

About a year ago I started going to the chiropractor. I’ve had back problems for the last nine years, when I injured my back and had to have surgery. Having extra weight on me and having babies hasn’t helped the situation. Anyway, once I started going to the chiropractor I could feel that I’d been out of alignment a lot. I haven’t been to see him for months, even though I had a nagging twinge in between my shoulders. I decided a couple weeks ago to start doing some strength training, and the day after I worked on my upper body my back felt normal; no, good! I was amazed to feel so great by simply working my muscles. I’m exercising these days when I want to and I’m discovering the benefits that have absolutely nothing to do with my size. It’s nice to put away the idea, “If it’s not every day for at least half an hour, it doesn’t do any good!” To that I say, “Every little bit counts!”