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The last few weeks have been weird. I was doing really well, making little improvements, and then lately it’s all just fallen apart! I know things have been stressful for our family, and I’m sure that I’m trying to cope with that, but seeing how I kind of go nuts with food is disappointing. I feel as if I’m using food to distance myself from my life, whether it be crying kids, pressure to get things done, loneliness or whatever. It’s been strange to see this happen. I distinctly remember stressful times in my adult life that I’ve binged a lot–mostly when Jessie was gone for months at a time in the army, or when I’d start to slump into depression. But I’ve been doing it lately, and I can’t really put my finger on what’s up. I think the long winter has been tough, I’ve felt pressure lately in a lot of areas, and Jessie’s been SO busy (and as a full-time mommy, hubby’s long hours equal long hours for me, too). But I still feel like that doesn’t really justify all of this. In the last few days I don’t even know how many times I’ve just been sick because I’ve eaten so much. Why?!! And when I do overeat, I feel like my rational self is just hovering out of reach, like I can almost watch myself turn into this “Cookie Monster”, if you will. 
I need to figure this out more: identify what is going on in my head that’s making me feel panicky enough to overeat. Sorry this isn’t very inspirational, but I needed to write. Writing helps me see what’s happening. If I keep all of this in my head, I’ll likely let it swirl into a guilt soup. Don’t need that! I want this to be an observational avenue, rather than a hurtful one.
Any ideas, anyone?
I’ve gone through periods in my life that I would totally binge. No surprise there– I’m overweight! Saturday I was really hungry, so I had some muffins. I don’t remember how many–they just tasted good. But then I wanted some “real” food, and other people were eating, so I joined in. I had some nachos with tomatoes, and they tasted good, so I kept eating. At one point I noticed that I was eating kind of fast and I was probably fuller than I thought, but I didn’t really pay attention. Finally I quit and just felt gross. Now the interesting thing is that I haven’t felt this in quite a while. I know I’m still consuming a lot of calories but I haven’t really binged in a long time! Yea! I just couldn’t believe how yucky I felt, and how long it lasted. I wasn’t even tempted with chocolate or anything. I’m actually glad to have had the experience. It reminded me that I am making improvements. It was good to realize that I don’t like the way it feels to stuff myself to the brim.
Sometimes I can’t believe that my life has been so cushioned that I’ve never experienced real hunger. Sure, I’ve fasted sometimes, been sick, but I’ve always had access to food. What a blessed life! It’s only natural to have an instinctive fear of being hungry–we are dependent on nourishment, but I have twenty-nine years experience of abundance. A little hunger isn’t going to kill me! Since becoming a stay-at-home mom my food is even more accessible. My fridge is practically within arm’s reach 24/7. I’m just now realizing how much I like being truly hungry before a meal. It helps that I’ve been trying to eat exactly what I want. Grabbing some dry cookies because they’re sitting there is so much less appealing than waiting a bit for some warm lasagna that I’m going to really enjoy. I’m actually starting to enjoy the sensation of hunger rather than fear it. It’s great to look forward to a meal!
It’s been a hard day, a challenging week, and a very difficult month. As I sat down to watch TV tonight, I thought of what food in the house I could have…”Hmm… the cookies are gone… no ice cream… it’s been a hard day! What treats are there? Maybe I could make something. Buttery cinnamon toast?” I decided that first on the list was a phone call to thank my sister for a package she sent. We had a nice chat, then I finally got to take a shower after a long day of holding and caring for sick kids. Ah. “OK. A treat… Hey! Sherene sent me that berry smoothie and it’s probably cold!” Wow. What a nice evening. If I had started with some cinnamon toast or chocolate-foraging, I probably would have missed out on a nice chat, a satisfying shower and a delicious fruity drink. It was amazingly good. Berries in the middle of winter. Just what my body wanted. Yummy!
I don’t know what my problem with drinking water is. I’ve been through phases where I would drink lots of water, and I felt great. I’ve realized lately, though, that I resist drinking water all the time! It’s as if I’m a small child who doesn’t want to take her medicine; lips pursed tight, chin held up, crying all the while. I don’t really do that, but when I take my prescriptions in the morning, I swallow with just a sip of water–just enough to choke those pills down, and no more! When I’m thirsty (which isn’t often because I’m sure that I’ve shut off my thirst instinct) I will have a soda, or I’ll eat a piece of fruit, but I’ll choose almost anything to avoid a nice tall glass of water. Why, I wonder? I know the benefits of water. It reminds me of the Book of Mormon where “the labor which they had to perform was to look; and because of the simpleness of the way, or the easiness of it, there were many who perished”… How easy is it to drink water?!! And it will help me be full, feel better, lose weight, keep the satiety center in my brain appeased… Hmm.
And in case you read the last post on goals, I only earned one point out of my eight because I had a really hard time. I was doing great if I had two or three glasses a day.
Suggestions?
Santa brought me some of Bertie Bott’s “Every Flavor Beans”! He was kind enough to give me some regular jelly beans, too.
Sarah, 7, was having a hard time eating some healthy breakfast today, but we wanted her to have real food and no stomachache. I looked through my box of beans and made her a deal: I’d eat and swallow a vomit-flavored bean if she ate all of her bran muffin. What an experience! The kids were tickled with my face and my groaning, and the kicker- trying to swallow the jelly bean. I gagged. Ugh. Sarah kept eating her bran muffin as I proceeded to try “dirt”, “earthworm”, and “black pepper”. Whew! The pepper’s not so bad, actually. Later in the day I had “sausage” (so-so), “earwax” (not terribly authentic, but not terrible), “soap” (tasted like soap!), “pickle” (very pickley), and “sardine” (fishy and yucky!). Most of them I just tasted and spit out. I’ve been the bravest of the family. Nobody has tried as many as I have. I just haven’t been able to bring myself to taste “rotten egg”, and I haven’t gotten around to “booger” yet. Perhaps someday.
Leah, 2, was in search of candy and was trying to take my Bertie Bott’s beans from me. I kept telling her “no”, but she insisted. Ha, ha! First she grabbed “soap”, chewed, tasted, and then furrowed her brow and let it dribble out of her mouth. She said, “I don’t like it.” She must have thought that it was just a fluke, so she proceeded to munch on the dreaded “vomit” bean. That got a much quicker reaction. I told her that the box she was eating from had the “yucky candies”. I offered her some of the “yummy” ones, but I don’t know if she’s going to trust jelly beans for a while. Hope she’s not scarred for life!
Merry Christmas, all!
For years I’ve been avoiding juice and nuts. We all hear how juice has a lot of calories per glass and doesn’t fill you up, it doesn’t have fiber in it, etc, etc. In fact, most diet programs that I know of “strongly discourage” juice. So even though I love an icy cold glass of orange juice now and then, I rarely have some. It’s so ironic, though. If I were to have real juice when I want it, I’d have much less diet soda (which I know has no redeeming value) and ice cream and fruity treats. I’ve always thought, “oh, I’ll just cut out a few calories here…maybe I won’t miss it,” and then I proceed to keep eating other stuff to fill that want! Silliness!
Nuts are the same story for me. Nuts are sometimes categorized as a “fat” food, you know, in that tiny triangle that we’re not supposed to eat much from. So even though the fats in nuts are good for me, I’ve tried to avoid those extra calories. But I LOVE nuts!!! In salads, alone, toasted, raw, with fruit, salted, sugared…mmm….nuts. So yeah, when I deny myself them, I have to find a crunchy, flavorful, fatty substitute, and that can mean chips, cookies or something else terribly processed and robbed of real goodness. I’ve found one of my favorite desserts lately to be sliced bananas in milk with a handful of walnuts. I don’t even need the ice cream or chocolate sauce! Not that I’d deny myself that if I want it, but I don’t miss it if I allow a good portion of nuts.
It’s just funny that I get these ideas of “fattening” in my head, but denying them makes me rebel. I’m always searching for something to replace what I won’t allow myself to have, and in the process binge and become frustrated with myself and with food.
So I now declare my truce with nuts and juice!
I’ve just barely discovered that I love salad! Yes, it’s a new thing. This is why: “salad” always meant wilty brown-edged lettuce with an anemic tomato or two. Everyone else slathers on the old Ranch dressing to choke it down and gets it on their lips while they eat. I detest dressing. I have a whole list of condiments that are banned from my mouth–yucky, yucky!!! So how can I love my salad without traditional dressings? Creative ingredients! Ahhh…crispy, cold vegetables. Tasty oils like sesame or walnut. Sparkly flavors like lime and fresh basil. Nuts! I’ve been trying all these new recipes for salads from a book that Sherene gave me (thanks much!), omitting any vinegar or mayonnaise that I find. I had a delicious lentil salad with fresh basil and fresh mozzarella. Loved it! We tried a tasty toasted walnut and Brussels sprout salad last week. I can hardly wait to try another new one. I think this week it’ll be roasted red peppers and wild rice.
Another reason my feelings toward salad have changed is that I’m not thinking of them as “good for me” as I seem to rebel against that idea. If I’m “supposed to” eat it, it’s suddenly not fun or yummy. As I’ve been applying principles of intuitive eating, I’ve found that what is appealing is changing for me. Disregarding nutritional characteristics (for now!) has given me this whole new world of foods to try. Having hamburgers or cookies or chocolate because I “can” is getting old. The novelty is gone, and I’m seeing that the adventure in food lies not in “treats” but in all kinds of variety. I never would have guessed that slightly bitter, green arugula leaves would be good and interesting! Fresh stuff is so fun!
And here’s a related tidbit: I don’t have a single live plant in my home, but I want one. BASIL. I love it! I’m going to plant some in a pot and nurture it. Buying fresh basil at the store is crazy expensive–at least two bucks for a tiny package enough for one meal. Yes. I need my own plant.
Words I never thought I’d say: “Mmm. Salad.”
When I go to a party or some social event, I eat way more than I want or need. I’m a people-person. I thrive on being with others. So if I go to some potluck something, I’ll load up my plate, just like everyone else, chatting away and enjoying the company. I don’t taste or enjoy my food much because it’s probably the wrong temperature or on the wrong dishes, I’m distracted by visiting with friends, or I just don’t like it. But the problem is that I will eat it all anyway! Later I’ll realize that I consumed a whole lot of calories that weren’t even enjoyable. Sometimes, though, the problem is that I know I’m not going to have cookies or hamburgers or chips when I get home, so I feel like I have to eat it then and there.
My decision based on this realization is two-fold: I will eat just enough to meet my physical needs in social settings, choosing only the healthiest foods available; and I will have meals that I love when I can really enjoy them.
…of intuitive eating. Leah is her name, and she’s two.
One day she wanted ice cream for lunch. I gave it to her, and thought, “what a bad parenting choice!” but it was a battle I didn’t feel like picking. I got myself some lunch (leftover spaghetti) and sat down with her. She paused, vanilla-chinned, spoon held mid-bite and said, “Want some dinner!” “You want spaghetti?” said I. “Yeah!” So I gave her some. Now the idea of eating real food after eating dessert seems unfathomable to me. I’ve “learned” that there’s an order to what I eat and we all have these rules. So as Leah’s ice cream was melting and she had noodles all over the place, I started to clean up. “Are you done with your ice cream?” I asked her. She looked at me defensively and said, “No!” She proceeded to alternate bites of spaghetti and ice cream and totally enjoyed her meal.
Yesterday we had chicken and rice casserole for dinner and peas and a salad. I was certain she’d go for the chicken and the warm rice, but she started eating “weaves” (lettuce leaves). She picked out her carrots and ate those; crunch, crunch, crunch. When the carrots were gone, she found some purple cabbage. “What’s dat?” “Oh, that’s yummy cabbage!” “Nummy cabbage?” Tentative bite. Swirl in dressing. Bite. “Mmm- dat’s wicious cabbage!” She ate almost no chicken, rice or peas but had seconds on her salad.
Now really- who finds cabbage delicious?! The truth is, Leah eats exactly what she wants when she wants it. She’ll eat a lime for dinner, or sometimes three hot dogs for lunch. She begs for oatmeal on a frequent basis, has cheese for a snack. Drinks water all the time and says, “Dat’s nummy, Mama,” between breaths. She’ll eat a nut or two to taste, and then can eat two pears. Sometimes she’ll clean her plate of all meat, ask for more and not touch her potatoes. Other times she’ll eat just noodles. When I worry about her nutrition I have to remind myself that she’ll feed herself “wicious” cabbage and “trees”(broccoli) when she wants to.
Thankfully all of my children are this way. We’ve tried hard not to force them to eat certain things or clean their plates. They have treats almost every day, but there’s not a hint of obesity in them. Russell’s favorite food is soup- any kind! Chicken noodle with veggies, cheesy broccoli, carrot… the list goes on. Sarah’s going through a picky phase, so she doesn’t like anything right now, but she eats when she’s hungry. I have desired to teach my children healthy habits, and somehow they’ve gotten them. Now if I can just apply that same loving, relaxed voice to myself… 
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