A “full” evening

I’ve gone through periods in my life that I would totally binge. No surprise there– I’m overweight! Saturday I was really hungry, so I had some muffins. I don’t remember how many–they just tasted good. But then I wanted some “real” food, and other people were eating, so I joined in. I had some nachos with tomatoes, and they tasted good, so I kept eating. At one point I noticed that I was eating kind of fast and I was probably fuller than I thought, but I didn’t really pay attention. Finally I quit and just felt gross. Now the interesting thing is that I haven’t felt this in quite a while. I know I’m still consuming a lot of calories but I haven’t really binged in a long time! Yea! I just couldn’t believe how yucky I felt, and how long it lasted. I wasn’t even tempted with chocolate or anything. I’m actually glad to have had the experience. It reminded me that I am making improvements. It was good to realize that I don’t like the way it feels to stuff myself to the brim.

Opt out

I have been on the Guilt mailing list for as long as I can remember. It’s been my handbag, my pet, my sidekick and my favorite bad habit. Sad, I know, but it’s become so automatic that it’s hard to change.

Last night as I was brushing my teeth I was going over my day. I’ve just recently started a new “schedule” for my week. Structure is important, but as a full-time mommy I don’t get a lot of it. Anyway, yesterday I got all the most important tasks done that I needed to. I exercised, read my scriptures, read to my toddler, cooked for my family, helped the big kids with homework, held my fussy baby, got the dishes done, and even got some business items taken care of. As I brushed my teeth and looked at myself in the mirror I found that I was looking for something to feel guilty about!!! What?! Most days I don’t get all of those things done, especially the exercising and reading scriptures, so I usually have those “guilt items” waiting for me at the end of the day. It was a strange thing to look over my day and not have something too big to feel bad about (I could have found something if I had tried, though! ). As I realized that I was searching for some guilt I stopped myself and just gave me a mental pat on the back. Not necessarily for all that I did, but because I recognized how hard I am on myself!

So one of the things I’m doing with my new schedule is giving myself smiley faces for each thing I get done on the list. That may seem silly, but it’s more helpful to see all those happy faces than to see a bunch of stuff crossed out. I already feel like so much of what I do is fleeting– dishes get dirty, food gets eaten, kids get frustrated, house gets messy. It’s nice to have something to show for what I did accomplish, even if it is just a smiley face.

Teeny tiny successes

I decided to snow-blow the driveway last week as a means of exercise, a gift to my hard-working husband, and to challenge myself.  It didn’t go well.  It took me a half hour to figure out how to start the big thing, so I felt stupid, and then for another hour I tried to clear our giant hill of a driveway of the four or so inches of snow that was there.  I managed to get some of it done… sort of… I scraped a couple inches off the top of the snow, slipping around in my silly boots, shooting snow the wrong direction.  I’m glad nobody had a camera on me–I imagine that it was pretty comical.  So when I finished up, I felt terrible about it!  I felt like it was an hour and a half just wasted.  My dear Jessie thanked me that night (what a great guy!) and I apologized for what a poor job I did.  He was very sweet and helped me see it differently.  It wasn’t wasted time–there were less inches to remove now, it was great exercise for me (I could feel my muscles slightly achy the next morning), and I actually did manage to clear the steps and walkway with the shovel so it didn’t get icy.  Yea me!   After changing my opinion of it, I wanted to find other small accomplishments.  I tend to see all or nothing, and with this process of health-seeking it’s hard to see improvements when the pounds aren’t falling off.  But here are some things that I’ve done well on lately:

-I love salad now!  I eat it several times a week, and vegetables don’t rot in my fridge anymore.

-I walked right past a cookie that was sitting on the counter screaming at me.  I usually would have just had it because it was there, but I didn’t want it.

-I’ve been seriously enjoying the foods I eat.

-I don’t settle for things I don’t love nearly as often.

-I just picked up some weights and lifted the other day.  I danced (kind of ) to some music on a movie I was watching.

-I’m observing myself and journaling about this process.

-I’m being kinder and more respectful to myself.

These are all so little, but they’re not nothing.  I have to remind myself of that.  I’m happy that I’m making changes, small as they may be.

Musical nourishment

I’m passionate about singing. Being in a good choir or practicing with a good pianist gives me a spring in my step, joy in my heart, and fills my soul. I had the chance yesterday to sing in church with two wonderful ladies, and it was absolutely satisfying. We sang John Rutter’s “A Gaelic Blessing” in SSA.

Sometimes I think that I’m lazy in general, and that seems awful to me, but when I do things that I love, I work hard. Music is one of those. I pour myself into singing, and I’m determined to make it as perfect as I can. When I have something that motivates me, whether it be singing, doing my taxes (I know-odd!), making a calendar, working on a church project, having a day with friends, or drawing, I’m in much less need of food and sleep. This is only natural, I know, but sometimes I wish that I had more passion about practical things like dressing and feeding my kids, helping with homework, cleaning and organizing the house, doing laundry and dishes… These are the things that my day is spent on, so food ends up being an emotional void-filler. I do feel hopeful that as my kids get older and I have more time to pursue my true passions I will have less depression and less need for my food crutch. In the meantime, I need to find a way to fold these things that I love to do into my humdrum homemaker life. Don’t know how. I suppose I could start with listening to good music. It’s not quite as fulfilling as practicing and performing with an orchestra or a fantastic choir or a few great singers, but it’s something. I don’t listen to music much, surprisingly, for as much as I love to sing. Perhaps doing so will help me. We’ll see how it goes.

Aquaphobia

I don’t know what my problem with drinking water is. I’ve been through phases where I would drink lots of water, and I felt great. I’ve realized lately, though, that I resist drinking water all the time! It’s as if I’m a small child who doesn’t want to take her medicine; lips pursed tight, chin held up, crying all the while. I don’t really do that, but when I take my prescriptions in the morning, I swallow with just a sip of water–just enough to choke those pills down, and no more! When I’m thirsty (which isn’t often because I’m sure that I’ve shut off my thirst instinct) I will have a soda, or I’ll eat a piece of fruit, but I’ll choose almost anything to avoid a nice tall glass of water. Why, I wonder? I know the benefits of water. It reminds me of the Book of Mormon where “the labor which they had to perform was to look; and because of the simpleness of the way, or the easiness of it, there were many who perished”… How easy is it to drink water?!! And it will help me be full, feel better, lose weight, keep the satiety center in my brain appeased… Hmm.

And in case you read the last post on goals, I only earned one point out of my eight because I had a really hard time. I was doing great if I had two or three glasses a day.

Suggestions?

New Year’s Day…Bah! Humbug!

Not really. But the pressure to set goals and make resolutions has damaged me in years prior. I grew up with a very negative association with “GOALS”, and it resulted in a lot of guilt. I think I gained most of my fat through guilt.

Last year Jessie and I came up with a plan that helped us all to learn how to set reasonable goals. It was mainly for the kids, we thought, but it ended up helping me way more. Every week we each choose a goal, assign a point value, and eventually earn rewards. It’s a “carrot vs. whip” situation, and the carrot is so much more effective. So I’ve loved our baby goals on a weekly basis.

I do think there is merit to having long-term goals and accompanying plans, but I’m a little fragile for that yet. I need small successes to grow on and small failures to see that all is not lost when I make a mistake. Also, there is a season for everything. Being a mom with small children doesn’t give me the time or space to make huge changes and accomplish big things. When I see “The Biggest Loser” and things like that I get discouraged, but I remember that they were absolutely removed from real life and they had every resource to get them to the end. I don’t, and that’s OK. My progress won’t be captured with triumphant background music or professional “before” and “after” pictures.

I’m not going to make any “resolutions”, but we are having FHE tonight, which means that we’ll sit down with our white board and our snack and discuss our plans and goals for the week. Sarah will probably say, “I’m going to color a picture every day!” and we’ll give her five points, Jessie will choose to move the file cabinet in the office and we’ll decide on six points for him. I think I’ll opt to drink eight glasses of water a day, everyone will say, “ooh–that’s hard for you! Eight or nine points!” and then several minutes later Russell will finally come up with “No Game Boy all week”. Hmm. Seven points? Yeah, seven.