You are currently browsing the category archive for the 'Humor' category.
Santa brought me some of Bertie Bott’s “Every Flavor Beans”! He was kind enough to give me some regular jelly beans, too.
Sarah, 7, was having a hard time eating some healthy breakfast today, but we wanted her to have real food and no stomachache. I looked through my box of beans and made her a deal: I’d eat and swallow a vomit-flavored bean if she ate all of her bran muffin. What an experience! The kids were tickled with my face and my groaning, and the kicker- trying to swallow the jelly bean. I gagged. Ugh. Sarah kept eating her bran muffin as I proceeded to try “dirt”, “earthworm”, and “black pepper”. Whew! The pepper’s not so bad, actually. Later in the day I had “sausage” (so-so), “earwax” (not terribly authentic, but not terrible), “soap” (tasted like soap!), “pickle” (very pickley), and “sardine” (fishy and yucky!). Most of them I just tasted and spit out. I’ve been the bravest of the family. Nobody has tried as many as I have. I just haven’t been able to bring myself to taste “rotten egg”, and I haven’t gotten around to “booger” yet. Perhaps someday. 
Leah, 2, was in search of candy and was trying to take my Bertie Bott’s beans from me. I kept telling her “no”, but she insisted. Ha, ha! First she grabbed “soap”, chewed, tasted, and then furrowed her brow and let it dribble out of her mouth. She said, “I don’t like it.” She must have thought that it was just a fluke, so she proceeded to munch on the dreaded “vomit” bean. That got a much quicker reaction. I told her that the box she was eating from had the “yucky candies”. I offered her some of the “yummy” ones, but I don’t know if she’s going to trust jelly beans for a while. Hope she’s not scarred for life!
Merry Christmas, all!
…of intuitive eating. Leah is her name, and she’s two.
One day she wanted ice cream for lunch. I gave it to her, and thought, “what a bad parenting choice!” but it was a battle I didn’t feel like picking. I got myself some lunch (leftover spaghetti) and sat down with her. She paused, vanilla-chinned, spoon held mid-bite and said, “Want some dinner!” “You want spaghetti?” said I. “Yeah!” So I gave her some. Now the idea of eating real food after eating dessert seems unfathomable to me. I’ve “learned” that there’s an order to what I eat and we all have these rules. So as Leah’s ice cream was melting and she had noodles all over the place, I started to clean up. “Are you done with your ice cream?” I asked her. She looked at me defensively and said, “No!” She proceeded to alternate bites of spaghetti and ice cream and totally enjoyed her meal.
Yesterday we had chicken and rice casserole for dinner and peas and a salad. I was certain she’d go for the chicken and the warm rice, but she started eating “weaves” (lettuce leaves). She picked out her carrots and ate those; crunch, crunch, crunch. When the carrots were gone, she found some purple cabbage. “What’s dat?” “Oh, that’s yummy cabbage!” “Nummy cabbage?” Tentative bite. Swirl in dressing. Bite. “Mmm- dat’s wicious cabbage!” She ate almost no chicken, rice or peas but had seconds on her salad.
Now really- who finds cabbage delicious?! The truth is, Leah eats exactly what she wants when she wants it. She’ll eat a lime for dinner, or sometimes three hot dogs for lunch. She begs for oatmeal on a frequent basis, has cheese for a snack. Drinks water all the time and says, “Dat’s nummy, Mama,” between breaths. She’ll eat a nut or two to taste, and then can eat two pears. Sometimes she’ll clean her plate of all meat, ask for more and not touch her potatoes. Other times she’ll eat just noodles. When I worry about her nutrition I have to remind myself that she’ll feed herself “wicious” cabbage and “trees”(broccoli) when she wants to.
Thankfully all of my children are this way. We’ve tried hard not to force them to eat certain things or clean their plates. They have treats almost every day, but there’s not a hint of obesity in them. Russell’s favorite food is soup- any kind! Chicken noodle with veggies, cheesy broccoli, carrot… the list goes on. Sarah’s going through a picky phase, so she doesn’t like anything right now, but she eats when she’s hungry. I have desired to teach my children healthy habits, and somehow they’ve gotten them. Now if I can just apply that same loving, relaxed voice to myself… 
500-1000 calories, perhaps.
I bought some Andes mints for my special chocolate treat (as I’ve discontinued chocolate chips–see “My “Morsel” Enemy”). I had a couple of them and they were tasty. I enjoyed them very much and I wouldn’t let myself feel guilty. Then the kids saw them. “Ooh–I love those! Can I have some, can I have some? Please!” Of course I gave them each a few. The panic started. Now the box was at least a quarter gone! Later I saw some shiny green wrappers in Jessie’s hand. Mounting panic. I went to the fridge in a frenzy. I had to have more! So I did. And when everyone was in bed, I snarfed down the rest.
I got myself a new chocolate treat. I told everyone before I even opened the bag, “This is MY chocolate. Don’t ask me for any. It’s mine. I can’t share with you.” And guess what? It’s sitting safely in my fridge at this moment, just waiting for me. I’ve enjoyed a few, and when I run low I will get more. I need it to be safe and available and I will enjoy it. I’ve hardly even thought about it, actually.
I’m sure that being seventh out of eight kids has contributed to this sense of scarcity. I think back to my one shoplifting experience. I was only five or so, and I saw some Life Savers on sale. Mom got a couple rolls, but even in my little mind, I knew that those couldn’t be divided generously TEN ways! So I just grabbed one roll for me, hoping that Mom would see it and just decide to get it for me at the register. Nope. Nobody saw it till the parking lot and then I was in trouble, I had to return it and apologize, crying all the while. Yogurt memories also spring to mind. Just one little spoonful. I can still see the way the little bit sat just neatly in the center of my saucer. Had to use a baby spoon to get more bites!
These are funny memories to me now, but I think I’ve got that ingrained sense of “now or none“. So as long as I am able, I will make my home food-friendly, with lots of choices and availability. The price of panic is too high.
The chocolate chip.
I’ve just recently discovered this. I don’t really like them. They’re waxy. They give me heartburn. I don’t really like chocolate chip cookies!
I have chocolate chips on hand all the time–who knows when I’ll have an uncontrollable need for chocolate?! But I don’t bake with them much (not liking the cookies and all) and I end up eating them by themselves. Usually they’re a coping mechanism. I toss back a handful like I see people tossing back a shot of whiskey (on the movies:)). When I get frustrated or I’m in a hurry I pop them in my mouth and I don’t really taste them.
My husband eats nice dark chocolate that comes in squares. Much creamier and better designed for eating “raw”. I think that’s what I’ll do from now on. Have REAL chocolate in the house. If I want it, I’ll have something good. If I need a “shot” , I’ll do something else. Ideas?
Recent Comments