A Christmas “treat” from Bertie

Santa brought me some of Bertie Bott’s “Every Flavor Beans”! He was kind enough to give me some regular jelly beans, too.

Sarah, 7, was having a hard time eating some healthy breakfast today, but we wanted her to have real food and no stomachache. I looked through my box of beans and made her a deal: I’d eat and swallow a vomit-flavored bean if she ate all of her bran muffin. What an experience! The kids were tickled with my face and my groaning, and the kicker- trying to swallow the jelly bean. I gagged. Ugh. Sarah kept eating her bran muffin as I proceeded to try “dirt”, “earthworm”, and “black pepper”. Whew! The pepper’s not so bad, actually. Later in the day I had “sausage” (so-so), “earwax” (not terribly authentic, but not terrible), “soap” (tasted like soap!), “pickle” (very pickley), and “sardine” (fishy and yucky!). Most of them I just tasted and spit out. I’ve been the bravest of the family. Nobody has tried as many as I have. I just haven’t been able to bring myself to taste “rotten egg”, and I haven’t gotten around to “booger” yet. Perhaps someday.

Leah, 2, was in search of candy and was trying to take my Bertie Bott’s beans from me. I kept telling her “no”, but she insisted. Ha, ha! First she grabbed “soap”, chewed, tasted, and then furrowed her brow and let it dribble out of her mouth. She said, “I don’t like it.” She must have thought that it was just a fluke, so she proceeded to munch on the dreaded “vomit” bean. That got a much quicker reaction. I told her that the box she was eating from had the “yucky candies”. I offered her some of the “yummy” ones, but I don’t know if she’s going to trust jelly beans for a while. Hope she’s not scarred for life!

Merry Christmas, all!

“Resistance is [not] futile”

I think I’ve been afraid of resistance or challenge. I want to learn to love it, especially as it applies to exercise and eating. NOT that I’m going to try to resist certain foods, but that I want to enjoy the sensations of hunger and muscle work. I’ve been watching my kids and notice that they do just what they want to with their bodies! When they’re bored, they want to move. I’ve lost that instinct. My little Maria just started crawling, and she doesn’t avoid it because it’s hard–she just keeps trying, even with her tired little muscles! I know that athletes and many people out there really like a challenge, find it motivating. I’ve not been that way, and even thinking about it scares me, but I want to get there. I’ve hated the words “work”, “challenge”, “goal”, etc. my whole life, because I associate them with guilt, failure, and punishment. I want to like those things! I want to get excited about exercise instead of thinking of it as another chore. I want to think of healthy foods as nourishing and happy rather than a necessary evil.

I haven’t committed to a regular exercise plan yet, and I’m OK with that for now. I do want to exercise, but not because I should. Yuck! No, because I like it! When I was in great shape in the army, I began to love the feeling I got doing push-ups. I do enjoy lifting weights, but I usually don’t do it because I have this silly notion that if I’m not doing regular aerobic exercise, the muscle-building doesn’t count. I guess I think of resistance training as dessert in the exercise world. What do you think, folks? Should I just do my “dessert exercise” anyway?

Of juice and nuts

For years I’ve been avoiding juice and nuts. We all hear how juice has a lot of calories per glass and doesn’t fill you up, it doesn’t have fiber in it, etc, etc. In fact, most diet programs that I know of “strongly discourage” juice. So even though I love an icy cold glass of orange juice now and then, I rarely have some. It’s so ironic, though. If I were to have real juice when I want it, I’d have much less diet soda (which I know has no redeeming value) and ice cream and fruity treats. I’ve always thought, “oh, I’ll just cut out a few calories here…maybe I won’t miss it,” and then I proceed to keep eating other stuff to fill that want! Silliness!

Nuts are the same story for me. Nuts are sometimes categorized as a “fat” food, you know, in that tiny triangle that we’re not supposed to eat much from. So even though the fats in nuts are good for me, I’ve tried to avoid those extra calories. But I LOVE nuts!!! In salads, alone, toasted, raw, with fruit, salted, sugared…mmm….nuts. So yeah, when I deny myself them, I have to find a crunchy, flavorful, fatty substitute, and that can mean chips, cookies or something else terribly processed and robbed of real goodness. I’ve found one of my favorite desserts lately to be sliced bananas in milk with a handful of walnuts. I don’t even need the ice cream or chocolate sauce! Not that I’d deny myself that if I want it, but I don’t miss it if I allow a good portion of nuts.

It’s just funny that I get these ideas of “fattening” in my head, but denying them makes me rebel. I’m always searching for something to replace what I won’t allow myself to have, and in the process binge and become frustrated with myself and with food.

So I now declare my truce with nuts and juice!

For my two readers…and me.

I know it’s been far too long since posting, and your prodding, ladies, is what got me back here. Thanks!

I don’t know…I’ve been feeling like I have nothing to say lately. I haven’t been very intuitive in my eating or exercising, so I haven’t felt that I’ve had anything inspirational to put down. There are ups and downs in every journey, I guess. This would be a slump right now. I’m just afraid that if I don’t make progress for a while that I’ll never do better. I’ve been afraid of goals and failure for a long time, so I’ve been hiding out from my thoughts in this area, I guess. Being gentle on myself and baby steps in food and health choices just has to be it, though. I suppose that learning to be kind to myself is quite a bit of progress for me! Yeah, even though I’m seeing few results in my behaviors right now doesn’t mean that I’m not improving. Yea, me! The other day I was really craving some salad, and I made some. That was a good thing.

I know this wasn’t exactly the most inspirational, funny or well-written post, but it is good for me to get back into the habit. Thanks, Mom and Holly.

A conditional love of salad

I’ve just barely discovered that I love salad! Yes, it’s a new thing. This is why: “salad” always meant wilty brown-edged lettuce with an anemic tomato or two. Everyone else slathers on the old Ranch dressing to choke it down and gets it on their lips while they eat. I detest dressing. I have a whole list of condiments that are banned from my mouth–yucky, yucky!!! So how can I love my salad without traditional dressings? Creative ingredients! Ahhh…crispy, cold vegetables. Tasty oils like sesame or walnut. Sparkly flavors like lime and fresh basil. Nuts! I’ve been trying all these new recipes for salads from a book that Sherene gave me (thanks much!), omitting any vinegar or mayonnaise that I find. I had a delicious lentil salad with fresh basil and fresh mozzarella. Loved it! We tried a tasty toasted walnut and Brussels sprout salad last week. I can hardly wait to try another new one. I think this week it’ll be roasted red peppers and wild rice.

Another reason my feelings toward salad have changed is that I’m not thinking of them as “good for me” as I seem to rebel against that idea. If I’m “supposed to” eat it, it’s suddenly not fun or yummy. As I’ve been applying principles of intuitive eating, I’ve found that what is appealing is changing for me. Disregarding nutritional characteristics (for now!) has given me this whole new world of foods to try. Having hamburgers or cookies or chocolate because I “can” is getting old. The novelty is gone, and I’m seeing that the adventure in food lies not in “treats” but in all kinds of variety. I never would have guessed that slightly bitter, green arugula leaves would be good and interesting! Fresh stuff is so fun!

And here’s a related tidbit: I don’t have a single live plant in my home, but I want one. BASIL. I love it! I’m going to plant some in a pot and nurture it. Buying fresh basil at the store is crazy expensive–at least two bucks for a tiny package enough for one meal. Yes. I need my own plant.

Words I never thought I’d say: “Mmm. Salad.”

Reasons or excuses?

When people make excuses it grates on my ears. It’s whiny and irritating. Perhaps it is so bothersome because I, too, am an excuse-maker. Ugh. Or am I? Sometimes I feel like there are legitimate reasons that I eat the way I do, why my metabolism is slow, why I have trouble exercising. I do not want to be a whiner! But… I find myself saying that a lot. But.

I suppose the problem lies in that I worry about what others think. I don’t want some old friend to see me, go home to their family and say, “My, my! What happened to Emily? She really let herself go!” I want them to know that lots of the events leading to these pounds were out of my control. I want to justify myself. Ah, well. If only I could wear banners with arrows pointing to my fattest spots and explanations for where it all came from.

This is a big, confusing area for me. I don’t want to be an excuse-maker, I’m afraid of being one. I also don’t want to be brutal to myself. A demanding and demeaning voice is the opposite of being helpful or motivational. Hmm. I guess what I really need to focus on is that voice in my head. If I can be compassionate to myself, not condemn, be objective, perhaps I won’t need to quibble over whether I’m making an excuse or not. There are many things I can do to improve my health and my body, but some I can’t control. I don’t need to yell at myself like some drill sergeant to find motivation. Even now, though, I find my anxiety building with the word “EXCUSE”. The connotation is that of laziness, dishonesty–exactly what I fear. I think, “if I’m not sure whether these are excuses, they must be, and that’s bad and ugly!”

I had originally planned to map out all of my reasons and excuses here, I think, to justify myself. I won’t, though.

This post is probably disjointed and messy. That’s where I am in my head with this. Any thoughts you all share will be welcome.

Socially fed

When I go to a party or some social event, I eat way more than I want or need. I’m a people-person. I thrive on being with others. So if I go to some potluck something, I’ll load up my plate, just like everyone else, chatting away and enjoying the company. I don’t taste or enjoy my food much because it’s probably the wrong temperature or on the wrong dishes, I’m distracted by visiting with friends, or I just don’t like it. But the problem is that I will eat it all anyway! Later I’ll realize that I consumed a whole lot of calories that weren’t even enjoyable. Sometimes, though, the problem is that I know I’m not going to have cookies or hamburgers or chips when I get home, so I feel like I have to eat it then and there.

My decision based on this realization is two-fold: I will eat just enough to meet my physical needs in social settings, choosing only the healthiest foods available; and I will have meals that I love when I can really enjoy them.

Sweet rest

I used to think that sleep was a passive thing, but now I’m thinking of it more as an active engagement.  Does that make sense?  I’ve been having troubles sleeping lately (ha! just look at all the timestamps on my posts!) and I can tell a huge difference in myself when rested or not.  When I am tired, my mind is definitely altered.   My decision-making ability is compromised, I’m sad, and hopelessness swirls like a mist around me.  My muscles feel weak and I usually want to eat something, but not because I’m hungry.  Perhaps when I was younger and healthier I didn’t need as much rest, so this is a new discovery for me.  I suppose the idea of “being healthy” conjures images of raw foods and cold water and sweat- all which seem so active.  I’ve been noticing what fatigue and lack of rest do to me, and I don’t like it.  Thinking of sleep and self-care (taking a breath, smiling, laughing, enjoyment) as vitamins or something is a fun new concept, like trying on some cute new shoes.

Fleeting

I’m positive that I take health for granted.

I came down with some stomach flu on Thursday. I thought I was just tired, and then like a ton of bricks, I had a massive headache that extended to my hair, eyelids, elbows and toenails. I couldn’t eat, I was chilled but burning–yuck, yuck, yuck! So there I was, just 12 hours into this, thinking, “I can’t handle this! I feel awful!” I had no perspective.

I have a very short physical memory. My back was badly injured and I was in pain for months, but somehow I think it’s OK to twist and pick up something heavy…until I hurt myself again. When I had each of my babies I went without pain meds for the delivery, and once the baby was born, I was so exhilarated that all I could remember was how exciting it was. When I was in labor with my third baby I thought, “Did I really do this before? Was I crazy? I just might DIE!” I really thought I might. But of course I’m here, and with four kids, no epidural.

If people put on pounds rapidly, like the flu, I doubt we’d have a problem with obesity, but pounds creep in slowly and start tugging on knees and back and ankles and spirit.

It’s Sunday night, and I can barely remember how shivery I was just two days ago, how much my head pounded, how my stomach hurt. Of course, Thursday I couldn’t recall what it was to move without pain, what a proper body temperature felt like, and that food was actually good.

Pretty plates

I don’t have nice dishes, and it’s a problem. Of course, I live in a house full of kids, and things are prone to breaking, but for my health I will need pretty dishes! Here’s the deal: I’m terribly artistic and in some ways also obsessive. I have plastic plates that are all different colors. Different colored cups. Bowls that match nothing. I can do green and blue plates and cups, but if I have red or purple serving dishes it puts my mind in conflict. Often the right dishes are not clean, so we have a huge variety of styles and colors on the table. Yuck! It bugs me! This all may seem silly, but when my table bugs me, I eat lots more. I don’t take the time to enjoy my meal because the disharmony distracts me. My plan is to get some simple, lightweight white dishes. I don’t want to be obsessive about anything, but I do need some peace and visual quiet in my otherwise kid-chaotic house. I’m excited to find some dishes that I’ll like to eat from!

Fortunately, I love my silverware.